


The Training Program

by NikaylaSarae



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Negative Self Talk, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24529696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikaylaSarae/pseuds/NikaylaSarae
Summary: It’s five a.m.. Virgil hasn’t yet slept and Thomas is summoning him. That couldn’t be good.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 141





	The Training Program

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted with minor edits from my Tumblr account @stillbesat

It had been a rough night for Virgil. He leaned against the side of his bed, legs drawn up to his chest, his head resting on his knees as he focused on breathing in time to the rhythm of the music drifting through his headphones. 

It happened on occasion, his own anxiety flaring up to the point where he needed to escape to his room before it began to affect Thomas. Their host had enough of his own anxiety to deal with, courtesy of Virgil doing his job, without having to know and suffer through Virgil’s as well. 

Last night had been one of those occasions. He’d been triggered by an offhand comment of Roman’s. Princey had wanted to take them all on a quest in his realm. A quest into the unknown. And that...that was definitely something Virgil didn’t like. He didn’t like unknown situations. He could picture all too well how things could go horribly wrong, especially because Roman had insisted that he, the Anxious Side, needed to come too. Princey had even used Virgil’s actual name in his plea and that had sent him reeling. Not some nickname. His name. 

Virgil had mumbled something, he couldn’t remember what, and escaped back to his room, to drown out his spiraling thoughts with music.To focus on breathing. And not...not on what Roman had said.

Of course, sleep had escaped him. But that wasn’t unusual in this sort of situation, he was used to being sleep deprived. A fact that was quickly becoming more apparent to the others now that they were making more of an effort to include him. 

Virgil winced. Shoot. Don’t focus on that! He inhaled, working to draw in a deep breath as he gripped the fabric of his pants tighter, nails digging into the material. Being more social with the other Sides had its own drawbacks, mostly because he still felt like the black sheep among them. It still felt like they were only really including him to make sure he didn’t try to abandon Thomas again.

Virgil exhaled, forcing his fingers to relax. It was a big change, them knowing his name. A huge change. And he...he didn’t like change. 

He jumped as he felt the familiar tug in his chest of Thomas summoning him. He jerked his head up, pushing his hood and headphones off his head, glancing to the clock with a frown. It was barely after five a.m. and with Thomas’s new sleep schedule...he shouldn’t have been awake for another couple of hours. 

Virgil swallowed hard as he again felt the tug. Why would Thomas want him? His eyes widened, his unsteady breathing becoming quick and shallow as he pushed to his feet. Shoot. Double Shoot! Had his own panic attack kept Thomas awake all night? He glanced to the door. Still locked. Was he no longer able to keep his own anxiety away from Thomas? 

Virgil tensed as he felt the summons a third time. He’d have to apologize. Thomas didn’t deserve that. 

Struggling to breathe properly, he let his room disappear in a swirl of purples and blacks to surface into Thomas’s bedroom. He froze at the foreign view. 

Usually when Thomas summoned them it was to the living room. He hadn’t often been on the outside when anxiety kept Thomas up at night and when he had, the lights were off in the bedroom leaving everything in shadows. 

But now, the small lamp on the side desk was on. Giving the room a warm, almost welcoming glow. Which made Thomas summoning Virgil all the more strange and more troubling. He didn’t like change. 

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he shoved his hands deeper into his jacket pockets. “Thomas? I--” 

Thomas pushed himself up to lean against the wall of his bed, a wide smile breaking out on his face, his eyes lighting up. “Virgil, Hey. I--” He paused gaze sharpening on him. He leaned forward studying the Side with a small frown. “Did you sleep at all, Virge?” 

Virgil stiffened. “I kept you up. I’m sor--” 

Thomas cut him off again raising a calming hand. “No, no, I...It wasn’t you. Don’t apologize. I didn’t feel you at all until you barely appeared.” 

Virgil’s eyes widened with panic. Thomas hadn’t felt him!? The others were not going to be happy to hear that. He’d been trying to be better, but if they thought he was trying to leave again---

Thomas blanched and shook his head, his own breathing accelerating in response to Virgil’s panic. “Not like that, Virgil.” He sat up, and forcefully measured his breathing, exaggerating it. “Hey. _Hey._ ” He held out a hand. “I only meant that I wasn’t feeling anxious, not that you were gone.”

Virgil bit the inside of his cheek, his own breathing falling into sync with Thomas’s though he was feeling anything but calm as he leaned against the wall. “If you weren’t feeling anxious last night...why?” He shook his head, his stomach twisting in knots. “Why did you want to see me so early, why are you awake... if not to ask--” 

“Virgil. Virge.” Thomas said twisting to sit sideways on the bed, patting the spot next to him. “I had an idea and wanted your opinion, that’s all.” 

Be didn’t move, his eyebrows shooting up. “You had an ide---then why have you not called Pri---Roman here to help? He’s your Creativity. Unless you want me to shoot it down as unrealistic, stupid, half-baked, silly, embarrassing--” He was babbling but he couldn’t seem to stop. 

“Virgil.” Thomas said firmly. “You may be my Anxiety, but you are so much more than that. Please.” He patted the bed again. “Before you fall over.” 

Virgil rolled his eyes. “I’m not made of glass.” He grumbled pushing from the wall to perch on the edge of the bed, facing Thomas. 

“But you didn’t sleep last night.” 

He shrugged a shoulder, looking away. “It’s nothing new, so long as it didn’t bother you.” It would be unbearable if it bothered Thomas. He was trying to be better to him, not as anxious, if that wasn’t working....

“No...I was fine…” 

He could feel Thomas’s eyes on him and it only made him more tense. Just drop it, he silently begged, heart climbing in his throat. He may have finally told him his name, but it didn’t mean they were buddy buddy. 

Thomas exhaled, running a hand through his hair, absently pushing his bangs back, which pushed Virgil’s back as well. 

Virgil grimaced and shook his head to let his hair fall back into his eyes. He didn’t like his forehead being exposed. 

Thomas made a noise of surprise, as his bangs too fell in front of his eyes. “Is that why my bangs never stay up? Because of you?” 

He flinched. “I’m sor--” 

“You don’t need to apologize for that, Virgil. It’s just something more I’m learning about you.” Thomas smiled at him, carefully moving his bangs to rest to the side of his eyes instead of pushed back like usual. “Is that alright?” He asked. 

Virgil’s own bangs had barely shifted, letting him keep that particular security blanket in place. He bit his lip and nodded, a little taken aback. Thomas was...compromising... with him? He had said that he would try to listen to Virgil more and such, but he hadn’t actually thought-- 

Virgil clenched his hands inside his jacket, and cautiously turned to look at him. “...so….why did you want me?” He asked awkwardly. “You said...you had an idea?” 

“Well, you remember last night?” Thomas asked, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Virgil frowned. “You had a game night with your friends right? You know I don’t hang around when they’re over.” Thomas knew that. Knew from the Changes video that having friends over helped to keep him from well...freaking out. It was a stable constant.

Thomas blinked. “So you don’t know what happened during the game night?”

Virgil tensed, heart rate speeding up. “No?” He said working to sound indifferent. 

“Is that….is the reason why you don’t know what happened the same reason as why you were up all night?” 

Virgil rolled his eyes. “If this is going to become a Dr. Phil session, I can just go.” He muttered, shifting to move off of the bed. He didn’t like talking about himself, especially considering the others hadn’t cared before.

“Right, sorry, Virge, I’m just worried for you.” 

He snorted. “You? Worried about your anxiety? That’s new.” He shook his head. “Just tell me what in the game night triggered this idea of yours.” 

Thomas shrugged. “Ah, well.” He gave a sheepish smile. “We decided that we wanted to try and run the upcoming half marathon, you know the one that happens in the Fall?” 

Virgil gaped at him blankly. “But….” He straightened, turning to fully face Thomas. “You’ve never run farther than around the neighborhood! A ten minute run.”

“Twenty minute run.”

“Whatever. That can hardly compare to THIRTEEN MILES! That’s HOURS of running Thomas! Why would you consider such an idea to be...that’s...WHY would you be an idiot and agree to that?” Virgil jerked as he realized what he was saying. He was supposed to be trying to be better at this! “I’m sorry, but it’s true. That was just...rash.” 

Virgil had totally screwed up. Disappeared exactly when Thomas had needed him and now his host had gone and agreed to run himself to death! 

Thomas gave a weak smile. “Exactly. I actually wondered why you didn’t stop me from saying yes before.” 

Virgil growled, shoving his hands deeper in his pockets. “I was...busy.” Why did he have to suffer from his own panic attack at that moment! He could have stopped Thomas from making such a stupid decision. He was a failure at his own job because he had to deal with the same issues as Thomas. Gah! Could he do nothing right?

Thomas tilted his head, silently inviting Virgil to say more, but he wasn’t going to open up that can of worms. No way.

Instead, he asked. “So you want to run by me how you’re going to tell your friends you can’t run thirteen miles without killing yourself? Back out in a way that they’d understand?” 

Thomas shook his head, his hands clenching on the covers as he looked Virgil in the eye. “No. Actually, I want to try and run it.” 

What? Virgil gaped at him, trying to comprehend. “Did you go mad during the game night?” Why would he even think that was a good idea!

Thomas burst out laughing, startling Virgil. Thomas was...laughing? He wasn’t mad at him?

“No, I don’t think I did.” Thomas said running a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs up and just quickly brushing them back down again before Virgil could react. “Which is why I need your help.” 

His help? Virgil hunched his shoulders, letting out a low growl. “Why would you even think--asking me for help is going to help you how? Did you want to just stand there paralyzed at the starting line? Because that’s what’s going to happen with me.” It would be another moment where he messed it all up and the others would hate him again and-- 

“You’re more than fear, Virgil.” Thomas said, leaning forward to meet Virgil’s eyes. “Like Roman said, you’re often my motivation. You’re the one who pushes me to rehearse and practice before I perform, the butterflies I feel before I go on stage.” He laid a warm hand on Virgil’s arm. “And I think you can help me train to run this half marathon so I don’t stand there frozen at the starting line on the day. So I don’t collapse halfway through. I think you can motivate me to run and finish that race.” 

Virgil stared at him, not quite believing what he was hearing. “You do know motivation out of fear doesn’t work as well as other emotions right? Patton, Roman, even Logan would--”

“I want to try this with you Virgil.” Thomas interrupted, gently squeezing his arm. “That’s why I called to you so early. You don’t motivate out of just fear. You’re more of a…”

“An annoying alarm clock?” Virgil asked wryly, stiff under Thomas’s touch. 

“I was going to say a lookout. You know when things get too overwhelming for me, when I’m pushing myself too hard. I think you’d be best to come up with a training program--”

Him? No. He wasn’t a planner. “Logan is the one who does the schedule--”

“He could make a schedule, yes. But schedules only do so much to motivate.”

“Then Patton could take over fro--”

“Virgil, please.” Thomas shook his head. “I want to try this with you first. If it doesn’t seem to be working then I’ll consider going to the others for help, but right now. Can you just give this a chance?” 

Virgil stood, running his hands through his hair as he paced around Thomas’s room. “But it’s not going to work! You know that! If I get too…” He threw his hands up in the air. “If I become too strong it’s just going to paralyze you into doing nothing! That’s not going to help you at all Thomas! This isn’t going to work. I’m only going to be detrimental to the entire thing.” It was too much pressure. Too much trust. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it! He’d fail!

He was gasping for air, his vision tunneling, his ears roaring. Virgil sunk to his knees huddling in on himself. 

Warm suddenly surrounded him and he distantly realized that Thomas was hugging him, rocking him. Talking to him, though the words sounded like they were coming from under water. Thomas’s fingers combed through his hair, smoothing Virgil’s bangs down over his eyes. 

Virgil internally groaned. Great. Just great. He was having a panic attack in front of Thomas. That was _exactly_ what he didn’t want to have happen!

“Virgil.” Thomas’s voice came to him distantly. “It’s alright, It’s okay. I’m here. Just try and breathe okay? I’m right here. You’re in good hands. You’re safe. There’s no pressure. No pressure at all. Just breathe. Remember in for four seconds, hold for seven, out for eight. That’s it. Just breathe, there’s no pressure. It’s fine. It’s fine.”

“It’s...goin--going to fai--fail.” Virgil stuttered out as he tried to get air into his burning lungs. 

“If it does, then we’ll try something else.” Thomas soothed, holding him securely in a warm, comforting hold. “I’m not going to think any less of you if it doesn’t work out. That’s why we try things. To see if they work. To go back to the drawing board if it doesn’t. To learn and grow. And I want to learn how to work with you, Virgil. All I’m asking is for you to give this a chance.” 

Virgil ducked his head, resting against Thomas’s chest, listening to his steady heartbeat, as he struggled to even out his breathing. A chance? A chance to fail...but also...also….a chance to prove himself useful. To show the others and...and himself that he could...could be beneficial to Thomas and not just a nuisance. Could he do that? Could he….be good? 

“Okay.” He whispered. 

“Okay?” 

Virgil inhaled shakily. This could go so wrong. He’d never ‘helped’ like this before. Ever. But…. “I’ll...i’ll try. To--” his mouth twisted, fingers digging into Thomas’s shirt. “Train you for this idiotic death run.” 

Thomas huffed a laugh, gently squeezing Virgil. “Then I’m all ears, Coach.” He said with more confidence than Virgil could ever hope to feel. “When do we start?”


End file.
